Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Who Am I?

OK so I think my body knows when I don't blog. I don't post on the weekends and I forgot to post Monday, guess what, I gained weight. I posted yesterday and then today guess what, I lost .8 pounds! OK so I'm sure it's just a coincidence but it's still funny.

OK so today I figured I would play off of a quote I took from a friend and fellow blogger. The link to her blog is seriously go check it out. She is amazing! She's lost 55 pounds so far and is kind of like my motivation and inspiration for this process.

Anyway, one day in her blog she said, "I don't remember not being fat- it is who I am. Who am I if I am skinny? Losing my fat is like losing part of my identity." "I know who I am as a fat girl but I don't know who I am as a skinny girl and that for some reason is scary." This really hit me. I didn't realize how much I felt the same way. I haven't always viewed myself as fat but I've always been bigger than my friends. "Losing my fat is like losing part of my identity." Wow, seriously, this girl is good. I don't know who I am as a skinny girl. I look back at pictures, and I think I was like 14ish the last time I think I looked skinny. I had a few skinny spurts in high school but I'm sure I didn't get there healthily.

So from 14-24, that's 10 years. How much does a person grow into themselves and become themselves over that specific time span. Seriously, junior high, high school, college, moving out on your own. For me, I also had the death of my daddy, my aunt's first breast cancer diagnosis soon after that, the loss of my boyfriend and best friend of 6 years suddenly soon after that, then after that I got married and we all know marriage packs on the pounds. Now, during our marriage, I have had my own health issues to deal with that have totally changed the path of life that Eric and I thought we would be traveling.

I'm not saying all this to get sympathy from any of my readers, I'm saying this to prove my point that, through all this, I have grown, I have gained new "step" family, I have become a wife and comfortable with myself and my new role. This is who I am, now I am throwing a rock in that spinning gear and jamming it all up.

I am on this journey to become healthy so my husband can have a wife and so my future children can have a mother. But mostly, I'm on this journey to be honestly and truly happy with myself. I think I have inwardly struggled with my weight for most of my life but now I'm being honest with myself and everyone else and doing something about it.

Yes, I am so excited and can't wait to get to the finish line, but at the same time, I think I might start crawling toward the finish line when I start rounding the last turn. It's scary to think I will be a whole new 150 pound lighter person. Who knows what will happen in life during now and then. I will have to figure out who Sara Smith the skinny person is along the way. I am scared, excited, thrilled, worried, confused, determined, timid, everything, but I will do this. I will become Sara the skinny girl not Sara the girl who acts happy on the outside.

I will no longer be the Sara who while still in high school has to shop in the women's department because the clothes all my friends are wearing won't fit me. I will no longer be the Sara who feels inferior to most of the women in my family because they are all "skinnier" and "prettier" than me. I will have the pretty body to go with the pretty face I've always been told I have. Most importantly I will be me. The me God intended for me to be. The me that feels worthy of the husband I have and the children I will have.

I know this was a lot today but it was important to me. Thanks for reading.

Sara (The Biggest Loser Reject)

This verse couldn't be more fitting for today. :)

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."

                                                                                       1 Corinthians 13:12


  1. that blogger sounds COOL hahah JK. I loved this post. These DAMN I WILL DO THIS I KNOW WHO I AM AND WHAT I WANT TO BE posts seem to be the best and most helpful!!!

  2. Sara,
    You are a beloved child of God. If you ever feel confused as you are figuring out who you are on this journey fall back on that.

  3. Awesome post! So right on so many levels.

    auntie R